22 February, 2010

I'm So Full of Fears.

One of my chief fears is that I've lost my edge, along with some of my creativity. I find that I am more frequently uninspired or bored - since I got to college, that is. I feel like before I found ways to occupy myself more.

Regardless, I'm more or less happier now than I was then; I'm getting into my own groove, figuring out my lifestyle, and I enjoy that. But I have seen where my other joys are starting to slip away. I need to make a more concentrated effort before they disappear entirely.

I think I'm far more wrapped up in myself than I used to be, which is probably part of the problem. Not that it really is a problem; I think it's something important that I didn't do enough of when I was younger. I'm making up for it now, though, I think.

I think that being in a relationship has a lot to do with my recent (past year or so) delving into self-ness. It's good progress, reflecting on why I am the way I am. What's bad about it is that I pick out my insecurities as well and dwell on them and feel guilty and ugly because of them. Thankfully, I have a partner who is very understanding and patient; I'm very, very lucky.

I have been doing slightly more writing of late, between this blog, my personal journal, and just things that I write when thoughts occur to me. I'm working on doing more artwork for myself, but that's hard with no income and very little time. And the thing about getting a job would be that I would be getting more money, but also losing more free time to do personal artwork. A conundrum.

My lack of money has become so stressful that I actually had a dream involving it this morning; I was in a bookstore with my family, and my mother asked me what I thought I was doing looking at books when I didn't have any money. I snapped back at her that I had a gift card, and when she asked me why I had to be so snippy about it, I replied that "I am very aware of the fact that I have no money, I hate being reminded that I have no money, and I don't want to think about the fact that I have no money. I think about it too much." Obviously, that's the truth if I'm thinking about it in my dreams. Oh boy.

My dreams the past two nights have been violent, which also worries me. They're nowhere near as graphic as some I've had in the past, but that doesn't make them any less worrisome. If there are people dying in my dreams by violent means, I think I have every right to feel concerned. What the hell is going on in my head?

On the bright side, I have come up with an idea to submit to Space 242 and I should have adequate time to work on it, perhaps. I just need to be better about getting work done and allotting time for everything.

Also, James and I are kitty-sitting for our friend Panda. The feline in question is a black tortoiseshell named Rashia who has seven toes on each of her front paws. She's pretty sweet, though taking a little time to adjust. She keeps heaving and not following through with a hairball, which I'm sure is perfectly normal but sounds pretty stressful. I'm here in James's room watching her while he's out and about; she has tried to walk behind the spider tanks a couple times already, and we really don't want Mehitabel or Ungoliant crawling around the room or getting mauled by a cat. Jasper, the ball python, is pretty safe; he's in a ten-gallon fish tank with a very secure lid.

The cat, at the moment and for several hours now, is sleeping on the office chair. That's where she spent a good deal of time last night while we were watching a movie, as well. I assume she likes it because it's dark. She crawled into bed with us last night a few times, only once not at the foot of the bed. James had her at his chest for maybe seven whole minutes before she decided to roam again.

I skipped Italian this morning because I was beat from waking up and/or not being able to sleep because of the cat. Around seven this morning she decided to jump up on the shelf with the spiders again and James had to coax her down. I would have woken up at that time and gone to bed again anyway until getting up at eight, but I was just too pooped.

So I have spent today doing homework, mostly. I have some more reading to do for tap class tonight, and then I don't know what I'll do (which is probably part of the reason I'm blogging - to kill some time). I might actually take a nap; I find that they're helpful for me, especially if I have classes that go until ten at night. I suppose it's time I could use to do something creative, and maybe I'll decide to, who knows.

Anyway, a lot of blather about nothing in particular. I'm off.

19 February, 2010

What Does a Girl Have to Do to Get Paid Around Here?

No, don't answer that question.

But honestly, I didn't get yet another job. Since getting back to school in January, I have attempted getting four jobs, and have not gotten any of them. Two of them were nice enough to send me an email saying sorry; the other two gave me nothing.

And I just had to pay my phone bill.

Ew.

17 February, 2010

Div II/The Summer/THE FUTURE

So, apparently every entry I'm ever going to write is going to pertain to my Div II? Anyway, I'm officially a Div II, thank heavens. I'll have to drop in to Central Records tomorrow to get my pin!
I'm seriously considering taking a UMass class this summer - either a studio drawing one or an art education seminar. The only problem with the seminar is that it starts at nine, and I would have to get there which means leaving the house pretty early if I'm going by foot or by bike (which will probably be the case). Well, we shall see, anyway.
And in Italian, we're learning about "casa dolce casa," which means our assignment tonight is to bring in tomorrow a picture of our ideal home. There are a lot of thoughts in Italian lately that pertain to the distant future; my composition that's due Monday is me picturing my life in the year 2030. Like I've said before, it's hard for me to even envision what I'm going to be doing in the next twenty hours, forget the next twenty years.
I guess the thing that bothers me is that I used to be so sure. I used to know exactly what I wanted and how I wanted my life to be. And then I grew up, I guess, and realized that it's so much more exciting to let life happen to you and become surprised by what you get. Which isn't to say that I don't have any long-term goals or dreams - I do. I guess I'm just more focused on living in the here and now...sometimes.
I say sometimes because I also lately think a lot about the future in terms of my family situation; I meditate every-so-often on getting married and having a baby. And it's not me being impatient, really, or that I'm wanting something like that now. It's more of me planning the future - but the more near future.
I'm going to be twenty in about a month and a half. Now, that's by no means old; however, it is older. And I have a lot of decisions coming my way about a lot of things. And I also feel ready for becoming older - more ready now than I have been in even the recent past.
So, moral of the story: I'm growing up. And I'm growing up fast. But I feel like I'm maturing more quickly mentally/emotionally than physically, if that makes any sense. And maybe that comes from already having a natural inclination toward maturity, and maybe it's in part because I'm female. Who knows. I kind of suspect it has a bit to do with going to Hampshire, where everyone is so grown-up, at least compared to other students at other schools.
At Hampshire, I'm treated like an adult, which is what I am. To the rest of the world, well...not so much. Back in Connecticut I feel like I still have this role as a child that I can't fill anymore, and it's so hard to express how I'm growing up because nobody wants to acknowledge what that means.
So, I guess I don't entirely know what my ideal house is. I think it's probably old and red, and maybe it has a black or dark-wood door. If James has any say in the matter (and he does, of course), there will be a brick oven in the yard. There will be...maybe two bedrooms and a couple bathrooms. All the furniture will be comfortable and the kitchen will always smell good and the fireplace will be running through most of the winter.
And everything will be beautiful and alive, and I will be happy.

15 February, 2010

Job Interview/More on the Div II front/Gallery

This weekend...actually wasn't extremely eventful, but was. Somehow.

I ate venison for the first time yesterday. Verdict: yummy.

I had a job interview this afternoon as an assistant in New Student Programs. Went well. Hoping I'll get the job.

Emailed my soon-to-be committee about how my Div II contract is coming along. It's been suggested that I "phrase your interests more in terms of the kinds of studies you'd like to pursue. Your mentioning of your passion about puppets and creating is good, but it should lead into a more abstract description of the kinds of disciplines and methodologies you wish to learn about.

You also need to have a few preliminary ideas about MCP and community service."

That, of course, was not Thom but my member, Jutta. She's going to serve to make my Div II more academic, it looks like, since I'm so very drifty about academic stuff. She's going to bring in more of the art theory and art history stuff. And structure, probably. Bah, structure.

I have recently found out about a gallery in Boston whose upcoming theme is Circus/Sideshow/etc. stuff. And I want to submit something, probably in mask form. I'm just stuck right now on what that might be. I need to figure out soon-ish, though, because the deadline is March 15th. Eep! Any ideas are more than welcome. What says "circus" to you and can be interpreted into mask form?

Also, ideas for a new blog name. The one that I have right now is a stand-in until I can think of something more clever. Heh.

11 February, 2010

A Chair!

As of last night, I have a Division II chair, a one Mr. Thomas J. Haxo. I am ridiculously excited about this turn of events (though at this point, I was pretty sure I'd have him, anyway).
Throughout my pre-college education, I frequently had teachers with whom I had really strong relationships; these were teachers who were interesting and who thought I was interesting, and I learned a lot from these individuals. In high school, I had three of them (more or less). When I got to college, I was a little disappointed because there wasn't a professor with whom I could connect in the same way. Until, of course, fall of my second year.
I took In Search of Character with Thom. He taught me how to make papier mache masks, among other things (I made the Crow mask in his class as part of my final project). And he was that professor I had been looking for, the one who would be able to help me explore my potential - as an artist, and also as a person.
I will probably never cease speaking highly of Thom. He is pretty excellent, on the whole.
So, yesterday was ranting about an art teacher, and today is praising a art teacher. So it goes. But it's good to know that there's someone in art who has similar ideas and values as mine. Yaaaay.
Other news? Slept late today and missed the bus to Italian. It's all right, I suppose. Group therapy at 3:30, and then catching the 5:40 bus to Smith for a screening (depending on my mood; I might just watch the movie here at James's house).
Since I missed the bus anyway, I decided to go back to bed and sleep in, which ended up being until ten o'clock, which wasn't my plan. But that's all right, because I guess that means I'm pretty well-rested. I've gotten quite a bit of my Italian homework done, and I'll work on some reading in a little while.
What else can I say? Circus signage seems to be going well for the most part - trying to get a bunch of stuff to happen this semester.
Also, had a lovely dinner with Luke and Emily and Ella last night. That sort of thing needs to happen far more often.
Aaaand...I think I'm done boring everyone with the mundane-ness of the latter part of this post!

10 February, 2010

One Week Away!

Okay, so the Div II filing deadline is exactly a week away. I have to get this contract written and send a draft to Thom so that he can have a look-see before he and Jutta sign on to it.
This means, of course, that I'm thinking a lot about my Div II and what I'm studying and how it's changed from my initial proposal. I think it's definitely changing for the better, or at least...I'm starting to figure out how to study what I want and how to better express what it is I want. So...excellent! Right? Haha.
I had a conversation with a Mt. Holyoke student I know today about how one of her advisors views anything that has a function other than to-be-looked-at-ness as not art. So again, another art view I really don't support. Actually, the whole idea of someone in an art field (who was, at one point, head of an art department) with that mindset really irritates me. A lot.
There are certainly some pieces of art that are only to be looked at, and that's fine. But that doesn't mean that things that have functions other than beauty can't also be art.
By this definition, a mask is not artwork - unless, of course, it is over-sized and hung on a wall.
I hatehatehate the idea that masks are meant solely to be hung on walls (says the girl with a porcelain mask collection, I know...). Masks are made to be worn. They are also meant to have some sort of aesthetic quality.
I also really hate being told that what I do isn't art - either because it has a function or because it doesn't have some hidden meaning (as I have mentioned before). I don't like my work being degraded, as I'm sure is the case with most artists.
Apparently, this same professor also claims than any and all forms of illustration is not art.
Baaaaaaaaaah.
I'm done ranting for now. Really, I am. I should go work on my Div II contract.

07 February, 2010

So Much Circus!

It seems that circus is going to take over my life a little this semester. And that's a good thing. It has, at least, been very prevalent since yesterday, and will remain so until today, at least.
Signer Seminar was yesterday, in which I learned that I really do resent Five College Risk Management, mostly. Tara's show was also last night, as well as one of two cast parties (the one here at James's house). It was all fun times.
Today, I have quite a bit of Italian work to do (yes, still), and then there's show development and a signer meeting. And then Tara's last show.
And tomorrow, I need to wake up early, and I'm going to end up going to bed late. I only ave two classes, but one's at nine in the morning at Mt. Holyoke, and the other's from 7-10 at night. And the latter is a tap class. I'm going to be worn out, man.
But I feel pretty good about it all, surprisingly. I have not yet reached the maximum freak-out, which is rare for me. I like to think I'm learning how to deal with stress a little better. But maybe not, who knows. It could be a fluke! Haha.
Anyway, I have to get going in a few minutes here. It's going to be a long day - for the next few days! I'm going to have to try and get in a nap tomorrow, for sure.

05 February, 2010

Sudden Div III Idea?

Okay, so a sudden inspiration came to me on the bus on the way back to Hampshire from Smith (though I don't know how viable an idea it really is). For my Div III, I could do some sort of art-based after school program, like Victoria's doing (except her's is movement-based). It was just a thought as I was trying to figure out how to get a teaching job after college and stuff. Not a terrible idea, but I have quite some time to think about what I want to be doing for my Div III.
In my Screen Comedy class at Smith today, we talked about a really old (ancient Greek-originated) stock comedy plot concerning two lovers whose love is blocked by some opposing force (usually a parent - someone older) and is aided by some servant who usually handles all the intrigue and intricacies. I guess I didn't realize exactly how much the commedia dell'arte took from ancient times; I knew the tradition was old, but I didn't realize how exceedingly similar. I kept getting visions of commedia today, I suppose. (We were discussing this because we have just watched A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to the Forum, which is a particularly good example of this stock comedy plot.)
We also discussed some stock characters, and M*A*S*H got mentioned, which is always exciting. We were talking about alazon and eiron - how Frank Burns is an example of an alazon, and Hawkeye is an eiron (and such a good one, too!). Commedia and Hawkeye in one class period. Can it get much better?
I also decided I want to get some artwork done this weekend, though Lord only knows when. I have quite a bit of Italian homework to do (which I will hopefully get working on right after posting this), as well as a chapter to finish reading for my tap class. I have more time with the latter since my tap class is on Monday night, so I should concentrate mostly on the Italian.
This weekend is also the final weekend (of two...) of Tara's Div III show, so I have that to work on, as well. I need to remember to charge my camera batteries so that I can take pictures of my work. I'm also going to have to do laundry next week, since everything we borrowed from Hampshire's costume loft has to be washed before it's returned. Kind of a drag, but it is what it is.
So, I want to do some artwork (of a personal nature) this weekend, but I don't have any particular inspiration, and possibly not much in the way of time. We'll see how it goes, like I said.
All right, I guess I've run out of interesting things to say (or at least things that other people would find interesting to read).

Today's post was brought to you by parenthetical statements!

04 February, 2010

Where I'm Coming From

So, I have once again decided to start a blog. Perhaps this one will last me longer than any of the others in my past have. We shall see.
I think I will mostly be posting about artwork here, and as such, I should probably start with my own little spiel about why I like art/why I want to do art/etc.

I am currently an art student at Hampshire College in Amherst, Massachusetts. I came to the art decision somewhat recently, when I decided that what I wanted to do - what I really wanted to do - was make masks
. (I know, it's kind of a rare passion, but there are others out there!) As someone who wasn't planning on going into art, I hadn't previously considered having to deal with other art students. It's a kind of unsettling experience, let me tell you.
There are so many young artists (and probably
older artists, too) who feel the need to be extreme with their artwork, who feel that if they don't squeeze some hidden meaning into their work then it's, well, meaningless. I mean, I took a moldmaking class in January, and one of the other students in the class was interested in phallic imagery and decided that she wanted to do a diptych of screwdrivers and tampons. Why? I have no idea. In that same class, five girls made molds and casts of their breasts - which is all well and good if it's for the beauty of the form. Somehow, I doubt it is.
So, I suppose I feel like kind of a schlump sometimes because I don't view art the same way, and I feel like I'm expected to do so. But then again, there are
enough people out there (including the professor whom I am 99% sure will be on my Division II committee) who recognize that the way I do art is just as legitimate and stimulating as the way others do art.
So, what does that mean? Why do I like art - and, specifically, why do I like mask-making?
I like creating. Before I was drawing regularly, I was creating stories - I love writing. I especially enjoy creating characters; the majority of the stories I have successfully written are short because they are almost entirely character-driven. I have a deep interest in people and they way people work. Because I liked creating characters so much, I picked up drawing at twelve years old to supplement a then-recent interest in Japanese animation. I wanted to create characters within that genre and be able to draw them. Thus began my largely self-taught drawing frenzy.
For the longest time, drawing (and very, very little painting) was my only main source of visual creativity. It wasn't until I got to college that I realized that my interest in circus and the Carnivale tradition was more than just a hobby, and more than something purely performative. I loved masks so much - was so in awe of Venetian maskers - that I decided that I, too, should go into that (niche) field.
So, here I am - with my background in strong character development, a knack for the visual, and a desire to work with my hands.

So, that's my "artistic vision" in a nutshell. I like a certain amount of symbolism in my work, I suppose, but for the most part, I'm interested in making something of which I can be proud, something that appeals to my sense of design.
And since I've talked at you all about how much I like masks and mask-making, I should prove I'm worth my salt, right? I've got a few photos of a mask and costume I designed and created for my friend Tara's Division III (comparable to a senior thesis) circus show. It is the character we simply call "The Crow," and he is pretty much entirely based around his performer, my loving partner James.
Here's the original design; the costume and mask are pretty true to it.
The mask! It's made of papier mache and black acrylic paint, mostly. Also, some hot glue and black burlap...and James's top hat which I utterly ruined. =]
And the full costume. It has undergone some changes since this picture was taken (namely, I use a different pin to fasten it, and the cape is shorter and more raggedy). I will soon be taking pictures of all the costumes and masks I designed for this show.

So, I spent a lot of the time I was going to spend doing Italian homework creating this blog (it was more involved than I imagined...whoops!). I'll call it quits for now.